ideas, other

Two things I hate:
1. Hurtful words; straight up my friend, I hate these.
2. “What could’ve been;” the quotation marks are important here…I have never seen good of any form come from “what could’ve been,” and I know a lot of bad of all sorts that’s come from it.

Two pieces of wisdom from a dayhike to Camp Muir:
1. Put on sunblock the second time. Always; period.
2. As calories begin to seem positively delicious entirely because they simply are calories, so does any/all food begin to seem positively delicious. Finishing a long hike at 5:00pm = hello you beautiful lukewarm Burger King Sausage Biscuit that I left on the dashboard 11 hours prior. Mmmmmm.

Two aspirations:
1. Have a porch and make real nice wooden chairs for it.
2. Tend a small garden, and keep a planter box (for the aforenoted porch) of flowers; I think they’d be Carnations.

ideas, stories

Tuesday May 25 3:30am

Could God be real?

Could love, pain and beauty, true and deep and human, be real?

I sit outside on the last stair down from the back porch to the yard. A light breeze (the type that sets a sailboat to drifting almost-imperceptibly on a glassy-calm bay at night) rustles through the leaves of nearby Cottonwoods. Inhaling deeply I smell a mix of rain, dew, fragrant flowers, and fresh cut grass–it’s May. Looking to the East I can barely make out the faint orange glow of dawn coming, only an hour or so away. Grandma’s gone now, my buddy Joe has been gone for just over 8 months. My oldest brother is joyfully wedded to the love of his life, and my other brother is near there.

Is jesus christ real?

Are love, pain and beauty real?

Storm is wild enough for sailing
Bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I’m home enough to know I’m lost

Land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe

ideas, other

(from a week ago)

Ya know those clouds of mosquito-like (are they actually mosquitoes? I’m not sure–they look it, but I’ve never been bitten by one of them) bugs that slowly migrate around on cool spring and summer evenings?

A moment ago I was just nearly hit–or rather engulfed–by one, and promptly began to wonder. What a crazy and unpredictable thing that cloud is. It’s nuts. Then I thought about planet earth; wow.

It’s mind-blowing. You and I are tiny parts of an infinitely more  crazy/beautiful/unpredictable process than those bug clouds. You and I can laugh, cry, learn, love, hurt, heal, and be.

I’m not sure what to think about this. All I think at the moment is that it’s great. It is truly great.

ideas

Maybe trying so hard to eradicate poverty is all wrong;

maybe we’d do better to just figure out how to de-problem it.

Hmm.

ideas

“…hopefully at the end of this special, you will join us at ABC in thinking about what we could do to help the Camden.”

-Diane Sawyer, during a 20/20 special about the town of Camden, NJ

Gah! GAH!!

I can’t recall the last time a single spoken sentence has so massively frustrated me. “Think about it?” Lets THINK about it? There are folks who will do something to help Camden, and there are folks who won’t. Neither will do any good to the world by  “thinking” about it “with” you, ABC. GAH.

Ok, I’m done soapboxing now.

Beginning a year or so ago, when I was first exposed to education literature/research, a question has been on my mind more and more: what’s the end game of high school education? Yes, I dearly want slum children to earn their diplomas, go to college, do great things in life, and ultimately escape the terrible modern ghetto. It’s reasonable to posit that we should aim for nothing less than this for every child—lets give them freedom to live out their full human being potential. As with any problem, it’s an intuitive step to check boundary conditions, i.e. what happens if we win. Lets say we reach this golden standard: all poor urban kids graduate, attend university, and go on to lead great lives.

What’s the end game though?

It would then seem that towns like Camden ought to be simply left. Maybe they’d become modern ghost towns, nasty and inhabited by the miserable few who didn’t escape for some reason. Alternatively, maybe they’d be completely torn out, the land re-zoned for whatever the city planner deemed good, and rebuilt. Those are just two possible ideas, nothing really good to base a legitimate argument on; however they’re indicative of something more. They somewhat articulate the idea that’s bothering me–but not too well.

The discord is sharper in a rural context. The hope of graduation/university/great-things, fully realized for all the youth of some given district, would simply end a rural town. That couldn’t be right. What’s the end game?

It’s probably a bit better to ask “what’s a good end game?”

So far I only have a one (unfortunately somewhat vague) idea about a good end game:

Learning to be, fully, as a human beings can, must be absolutely central.

ideas

Flying. Flying; it kindles the imagination, defies lots of things (gravity, namely; but also some common sense), and really captures some part of human nature, doesn’t it? I know I’m not the only one who’s had flying dreams. Even in reality, in a giant plane (I haven’t done skydiving or hangliding yet) where I have essentially no control, in that moment when the plane lifts off and the ground falls away, I cannot help but grin a silly little grin.

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ideas

I recently read “The Last Lecture,” the autobiography of a rapidly dying man, Randy Pausch. He had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He did try a new hail-mary operation, but it didn’t work; the cancer was terminal. Pausch was a certifiably crazy character, had incredible wisdom to share, and wrote it out very well. Understandably, The Last Lecture became wildly popular. I definitely recommend it–I’m not sure that I agree with all his ideas, but regardless the wisdom he shares is amazing and inspiring.

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ideas

Smell like a man, man. I love those two Old Spice commercials, the ones from the Superbowl. Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. The camera work, lighting, and acting are impeccable. If he stopped using lady scented body wash and switched to Old Spice, he could smell like me…so on and so forth. My favorite bit, from the shorter one…”did you know that I’m riding this horse backwards? ..*pause*.. Hyaa!”

It’s just so classy, so awesome. The tickets to that thing you love…the tickets are now diamonds!

But…I wonder what old Theodore Roosevelt would think of this guy and his talk of smelling like a man. I can’t help but wonder what he would say.

They’re cool and comfortable commercials, so much fun to watch…but that’s it. Men, look at your life and boil it down. Is there a lot of grit? Is there any grit at all? Do you love, fear reverently what ought be feared reverently, and care? Do you rarely hit, but never hit softly, do you give grace, respect, and mercy? Yes, we may say…but that grace, respect, and mercy, is it for the prostitute too? Does that scare you? It should not. Women*, do you see men like that around you?

When I think of the truest men I’ve met, some come to mind immediately. One, a skinny white boy, changed more lives for the better than many will in their whole lifetime, and he only spent 21 years here; he’s in a better place now. Another, a short (and slightly pudgy) fellow, does good work helping people who desperately need it. He’s dirt poor and does not own a boat. He has saved many from painful death (hundreds if not thousands), and has helped even more live fuller and richer lives, in a country where that does not happen often. I doubt either of them would fit too well into the Old Spice advertising campaign.

Both these men are set apart by a distinct sense of being, almost of place–their place. It’s a thing common to good men; it seems to come from a deep bedrock of a dual nature.

One side is grit, straight up. The grit to turn away fun affection, knowing the end harm it would bring (none to you). The grit to turn down being a fighter pilot for an utterly unglamorous life lived for others. The grit to give help to a prostitute, he or she. The grit to be both a fighter and a father with passion, intensity, dignity, and humility. The grit to chase her through the sky, stabilize her tumble once you catch her, pull the rip cord on her pack, then watch to make sure her chute deploys right, all while counting and knowing yours won’t have time to (true story–it ended how it sounds like it did; he was a professional, under 30, she was a complete stranger and novice, over 40).  The grit it takes to accept redemption on your knees, and then on your feet walk back to the loved ones you’ve hurt (that may be the truest).

The other part is pure heart. Complete love and care, faith and hope, so intensely rooted and powerful they seem a bit out of place in the world we see. Like a diamond in the pavement— the reflected sunlight catches the eye for a short pause in time and, instantly, the mind–the being–knows there’s more. It’s a little glimmer of something unnatural to us, unnatural yet purer.

I know I haven’t seen much of life; I have a long way to go in this work of becoming a good man. But from where I’ve been, where I am, and what I see, I do know this must be part of it.

Be a man, man.

*Don’t misread; what a woman should and shouldn’t be is not something I’ve even begun to try to understand. Well…maybe I’ve thought about it a little bit. But that’s all. This is about men, and being a man, a much more familiar topic for me.

ideas, stories

Definitely one of my favorite short stories–also a true story, which makes it all the better.

Old Horse was the algebra instructor at the school where I teach. I don’t remember his real name anymore. But he had a long face with a big, square teeth, and so the students called him “Old Horse.”

Perhaps they would have liked him more if he hadn’t been so sarcastic. With his cutting remarks, Old Horse could force the most brazen student to stare at the floor in silence. Even the faculty had a healthy respect for his sharp tongue.

One day a boy named Jenkins flared back at Old Horse, “But I don’t understand this,” pointing to a part of the problem on the board.

“I’m doing the best I can considering the material I have to work with,” said Old Horse.

“You’re trying to make a jackass out of me,” said Jenkins, his face turning red.

“But, Jenkins, you make it so easy for me,” said Old Horse—and Jenkin’s eyes retreated to the floor.

Old Horse retired shortly after I came. Something went wrong with his liver or stomach and so he left. No one heard from him again.

One day, however, not too long before Old Horse left, a new boy came to school. Because he had buck teeth and a hare lip, everybody called him Rabbit. No one seemed to like Rabbit either. Most of the time he stood by himself chewing his fingernails.

Since Rabbit came to school in the middle of October, he had make-up work to do in algebra every day after school. Old Horse was surprisingly patient during these sessions. He would explain anything Rabbit asked. Rabbit in turn always did his homework. In fact, he came early to class, if he could manage it. Then, after the lesson, he would walk with Old Horse to the parking lot. One Friday, because of a faculty meeting, Old Horse didn’t meet with Rabbit. This afternoon I walked with Old Horse. We were passing the athletic field when suddenly he stopped and pointed. “What’s the matter with that one?” he asked. He was referring to Rabbit, standing alone, chewing his fingernails, while watching some boys pass a football.

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Why doesn’t he play ball, too?” Old Horse demanded.

“Oh, you know how it is. He came in later than the others, and besides—“

“Besides what?”

“Well, he’s different, you know? He’ll fit in sooner or later.”

“No, no, no. That won’t do. They mustn’t leave him out like that.”

“Then we had to break off our conversation because Rabbit had hurried over to join with us. With a smile, he walked beside his teacher, asking him questions.

Suddenly, one of the boys from the athletic field called out, “Yea, Old Horse! Yea, Old Horse!”, and then he threw back his head and went, “Wheeeeeeeee!” like a horse’s whinny. Rabbit’s face reddened with embarrassment. Old Horse tossed his head, but said nothing.

The next day the students from my fifth hour class came to my room awfully excited. Old Horse had gone too far, they said. He ought to be fired. When I asked what had happened, the said he had picked on Rabbit. He had called on Rabbit first thing and deliberately made him look ridiculous.

Apparently Rabbit had gone to the board with confidence. But when he began to put down some numbers, Old horse said that they looked like animal tracks in the snow. Everyone snickered, and Rabbit got nervous.

Then Old Horse taunted him for a mistake in arithmetic. “No, no, no. Can’t you multiply now? Even a rabbit can do that.”

Everyone laughed, although they were surprised. They thought Rabbit was Old Horse’s pet. By now, Rabbit was so mixed up he just stood there, chewing his fingernails.

“Don’t nibble!” Old Horse shouted. “Those are your fingers, boy, not carrots!”

At that, Rabbit took his seat without being told and put his red face in his hands. But the class wasn’t laughing any more. They were silent with anger at Old Horse.

I went in to see Old Horse after my last class. I found him looking out the window.

“Now listen here—,“ I began, but he waved me into silence.

“Now, now, now, look at that. See?” He pointed to Rabbit walking to the athletic field with one of the boys who had complained about how mean Old Horse had been.

“Doesn’t he have special class with you now?” I asked after a moment.

“He doesn’t need that class anymore,” said Old Horse.

That afternoon I walked with Old Horse to the parking lot. He was in one of his impatient moods, so I didn’t try to say much. Suddenly, from the players on the athletic field, a wild chorus broke out. “Yea, Old Horse! Yea, Old Horse!” And then Rabbit, who was with them, stretched his long neck and screamed, “Wheeeeeeeee!”

Old Horse tossed his head as if a large fly were bothering him. But he said nothing.

ideas, other, photography

(written February 6th 2010)

My thoughts, as my bus crossed the 520 bridge today:

There is something about it–I’m not sure I understand it (maybe that’s why it’s so…well…er…hmm…).

The water is broken into so many little pieces by the light breeze, and the sun is shining through a cloudy sky.

It’s not one of those perfect glassy lake days.

In the water’s brokenness, its imperfection, the sunlight sparkles; each wrinkle in the surface, made by a single whisp of breeze, reflects it’s own little claim of sunlight in some direction or another.

And all together, the water, it’s surface so disorganized and cluttered, is beautiful in the light shining on it.

Lake Washington from the 520 bridge
ideas, other

I don’t know his last name. He has significant Autism (I didn’t catch the details when he told me about it, it was some specific type). I met him on Saturday, while trying to make some ground on a math project at my favorite cafe. I pulled out a book, and he couldn’t help but notice the publisher (good ‘ol Springer-Verlag…they’re the primary publisher of math texts, and they nigh always bind with a signature yellow cover), so he asked me what I was working on, and we proceeded to talk about math for a while.

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ideas

Way back in the day, my family took a road trip up there; we took the ’88 Ford Club Wagon all the way, Coleman camping trailer in tow. Ah, good times.

Sadly, there’s not much I clearly remember from the trip: one or two particular vistas, a very cold night, a campground-meandering moose, so on and so forth. I only remember a few things well–most of all, the beauty.

I’m sure that if I were a better writer, I could put it into vivid prose, but all I can really say is that the beauty of Alaska is different (on the safe assumption it hasn’t changed too much since then).

There was a peculiar quality the beauty had–a sort of stillness.

It was more than audible noise though–I’ve been to beautiful places,  far enough from civilization to be just as quiet as the places we visited in Alaska. It may well be my long term memory embellishing things, but I swear there was some quality of the beauty itself, this tranquility of sorts.

Now, zip forward a few years (ten, twelve, maybe more?).

By it’s nature, rural education is a risky proposition; there are so many barriers to overcome. I guess I was always aware of that to some level or another, but I never really thought about it. Than again, I never really thought about education too much till a few years ago.

Since I’ve started thinking about education (I don’t know if that happened before or after I decided to go into education–chicken or egg, if you will), I’ve been thinking about rural education. Questions began to drift into a perspective of sorts. Why, why educate kids in the middle of nowhere–will it really mean anything for them, in the long run? Should they be pushed to “escape”, get away from the sticks and “make something” of themselves? What does it really mean for a teenager in an isolated, rural area, to make something of their life?

Whenever I think of rural, I think of a few places: Alaska and Montana come to mind first. “Alaska is what America was.” It’s so pristine and beautiful–so isolated. It also consistently makes the first spot in teenage suicide rates.

So much beauty and peace, and so much emptiness and need.

Disclaimer

If I were to be moving there, I definitely would say so. I’m not moving there..yet. One never knows where all the road ahead leads.

ideas, stories

Sometimes, I wonder how those guys managed to put so much into this song; it just baffles my mind. That’s art, I guess.

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we’re better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children – this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers – this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God